You may think I’m clueless on the topic, but I have a lot of experience with both missing and seeing these signs you’re being cheated on.
If you are looking for signs you’re being cheated on, I am sorry to say that there is a good chance you have already missed some. We never want to admit the truth, especially when it makes us feel foolish and rejected. But, we also don’t want to ruin our relationship with baseless accusations.
Knowing when someone is cheating on you is not an exact science. Boy, do I wish it was! I have been cheated on more times than I would like to share. But, that does not mean I am a relationship failure. It does not mean I am not worthy of love. All it means is that I am super unlucky.
And after all those betrayals I realized I overlooked the signs you’re being cheated on. Some of those are obvious. You might find it crazy that you didn’t see it, while others are subtle. Just please try not to drive yourself crazy over this. Even if you have been cheated on before, paranoia will not help get to the bottom of it. [Read: Could you be dating a serial cheater?]
Why do you think you’re being cheated on?
Number one, deep down you already know your partner is being unfaithful. You have intuition. It has been alarming you, you just don’t want to listen. You don’t want to come off as jealous. You don’t want to accuse your partner when you could be wrong.
So you search for evidence. You want proof. You want a checklist to run through that says if they do this they are cheating and if not you’re golden.
Number two, you are paranoid. You may have been cheated on before and felt like a complete idiot for not seeing the signs. This time around, you want to be prepared. You want to know what to look for and protect yourself from getting hurt.
The problem? You are going into a relationship expecting the worst. You are bringing negative energy into something that very well could be amazing. Your lack of trust is going to ruin your relationship before it even really gets started.
I don’t blame you. I’ve been there and it sucks. While a cliche, be willing to take that risk and be vulnerable again in order to be truly happy.
Finally, you might be searching for this article because you are a cheater and want to ensure you are not showing any of these signs to the partner you are trying to dupe. If that is you, you need help, therapy, and the Lord. [Read: Emotional cheating and 10 bad things it can do to you]
All the signs you’re being cheated on you just can’t miss
When looking for the signs you’re being cheated on, do not overanalyze. Try to see things as they are, not how you want to see them or how you think they will be.
Your partner could show these signs and be completely faithful. And, although unlikely, they could show none of these and be cheating. Finding the right kind of signs you’re being cheated on is a slippery slope, but you deserve to know the truth.
#1 They protect their privacy intensely. We all have things on our phone we may not want our partner to see. Like those 100 selfies you took or your addiction to teen vampire fandom chatrooms. For most of us, it would not be the end of the world if our partner discovered these things.
But, for someone who cheats, they will guard their phone with their life. They take it to the bathroom, closet, really anywhere. They never leave you alone with it. Sure, some people are just like that I guess, but if they went from being fine with you borrowing their phone to keeping it too close, something is up. [Read: The cell phone rules to follow to build trust in your relationship]
#2 They did it before. As I said, I put a lot of sincerity into once a cheater always a cheater. Of course, it is not always the case, but if you know for a fact your partner has cheated on you or their ex and are feeling like they might be, there is a good chance they are.
Someone who has cheated before is much more likely to do it again than someone who hasn’t.
#3 They accuse you of cheating. Makes sense, right? Well, they put their fears of being caught and guilt of what they are doing onto you. Maybe they think it will make them feel better. Maybe they think it will throw you off their trail. Or they think if they are capable of cheating, then so are you.
Either way, a partner accusing you of cheating, especially if it is completely out of the blue, maybe trying to take the heat off themselves. [Read: The serial cheater code and why they can’t stop themselves from cheating]
#4 You’ve heard rumors. Your friend said they saw your boo with some random guy or gal at dinner. Or maybe there are office whispers that there is flirting going on or that they go on long lunches with their assistant.
Rumors may not always be true, but they usually don’t start from absolutely nothing.
#5 They cheated with you. Yes, I know. You think they could never do it to you, but if they cheated with you, they are perfectly capable of cheating on you. From day one that is something to consider.
I myself was in this situation. My ex and I weren’t cheating, but he was very strict about keeping us a secret. From day one I could feel the guilt of keeping secrets form into bad karma. If I had listened to my gut I could have avoided four years of being cheated on. [Read: “My boyfriend cheated on me!” 15 things you need to do ASAP]
#6 They memorize your schedule. How many boyfriends or girlfriends memorize each other’s schedules? My parents have been married over 30 years and my dad still checks the calendar to see when my mom goes to work.
So, if your partner is watching your movements like a hawk they aren’t just being informed, they are hiding something. I am not saying this is one of the most obvious signs you’re being cheated on, but I am not saying it isn’t.
#7 They are super distant or super clingy. This is confusing, isn’t it? But if their behavior has changed one way or the other, that is a sign that something is up. Right before my last boyfriend cheated on me he bought me gifts, promised he could never leave me, and was way more touchy-feely than ever before.
Any major change in behavior could be a sign you’re being cheated on.
#8 They are defensive. You didn’t even accuse them of cheating, but they lost it. Maybe you asked them why they were late after work or why they took $300 in cash out of your joint account. These are pretty innocent questions, but because they are on edge and nervous, they flip out over these small things.
There is no need for someone to be defensive unless they are hiding something.
#9 Your family or friends don’t trust them. Please listen to the people in your life that know you the best and that you trust the most. It can be so hard to accept the fact that your family or friends don’t like your partner, but they have their reasons. If you just hear them out, it could really open your eyes.
#10 They are always busy. Is she a surgeon? Or maybe he is in politics? If they have always been busy or just got a promotion that explains it, fine. But if out of the blue they seem to be out late and unreachable something is going on. [Read: The secrets you’re allowed to keep in a relationship]
#11 They smell different. A subtle yet important sign you’re being cheated on is the smell. I don’t mean when something smells fishy, but if your partner’s car smells different or their clothes have a weird smell that can’t be explained away, pay close attention.
It could be a woman’s perfume. It could be the smell you get when you’ve been in a bar or hotel or someone else’s house. I know it seems like I’m reaching, but this is a hook for catching a cheater.
#12 They have excuses for everything. When someone that isn’t a cheater lies, they are usually unprepared. Someone unused to lying can’t usually think of excuses right away, but a cheater is prepared.
Once of the clear signs you’re being cheated on is your partner having an answer for everything. They were late because of this, they smell because so-and-so from the office smokes, they took out cash to lend to their brother, blah blah blah.
#13 They make you feel guilty for not trusting them. Ahhh, this is the manipulation of a serial cheater. This is not just someone who slipped up and feels guilty. This is not someone you want to make it work with. The person that flips your nervousness and worry back around to you and your lack of trusting them is an artful manipulator.
They make you feel guilty for their cheating and lying. They know what they are doing and are good at it. If you notice this behavior, it is not just a sign you’re being cheated on, but a major red flag. [Read: 15 signs of manipulation in a relationship you should never ignore]
#14 You don’t fight anymore. If you went from fighting regularly about chores or money or anything to them not bothering to put in the effort for a conversation, there is a reason. Maybe they are depressed or distracted at work, but this is a big change for your relationship. If it didn’t come from you, it is worth an investigation.
#15 You just know. Yes, I know, once you have been cheated on or lied to, you do not trust your own judgment, especially if you didn’t see it last time. You worry you are being paranoid. You want proof.
But sometimes your gut is right and you just need to trust it. Even without evidence of infidelity, do you want to be stuck in a relationship where you are always waiting for the other shoe to drop? [Read: How to get through a breakup and get back on track]
What to do now
Remember this is all what they are doing. It has nothing to do with you. Whether they claim your lack of trust pushed them away or that you didn’t do this or that for them so they looked elsewhere, this is all on them.
It is their responsibility or lack thereof that did this. Although some relationships can come back from this, think Miranda and Steve from Sex and The City. In my experience once a cheater always a cheater tends to be the norm.
Now that you know the signs you’re being cheated on it is up to you to decide what to do next. You can leave them, talk to them, go to therapy, but please don’t try to get even or ignore it.