Are we in a relationship? It is a question that can drive you nuts but…
If you’ve been cheated on, left, or lied to, you have surely asked yourself why he chose her over you. And guess what, I have the answer.
If you’re left asking why he chose her over you, it is one of the crappiest feelings in the world. Trust me, I know. I have been there… twice.
It not only feels like a punch to the gut off the bat, but once you sit with the reality for a while it is worse than a regular rejection or breakup. It makes you question yourself. You compare yourself to the other girl.
It also manifests a divide between you and another girl that isn’t very feminist which then makes you feel guilty at the same time.
Wondering why he chose her over you can take over your mind. It can stop you from moving on, living your life, and bring self doubt into future relationships. With that, it is obvious you want an answer to why he chose her over you. [Read: How to handle rejection without making a fool of yourself]
Why does it hurt so much
Before we get into why he chose her over you, let’s delve into why it hurts so much. This isn’t a normal breakup pain. It comes with so many more questions. You cared about him, you may have even loved him, and that makes you care what he thinks, even now.
You want those you care about to care about you too. Your feelings don’t just go away because his did. And if he chose someone over you, it feels like you weren’t enough. It not only feels like you failed him, but that you failed yourself. [Read: Why does love hurt when it goes bad? The truth you need to hear]
Being left for another woman sucks so much because women have been pitted against each other in society for years. We are conditioned to be mad or upset at the other girl rather than the guy.
We swallow up the feelings, whether rage, sadness, or pain, about him and focus on the other woman. Because we can’t be upset with him, we still care about him which makes it all hurt so much more.[Read: How to bounce back after being rejected]
Think about The Bachelor. The girls are constantly fighting each other instead of questioning the lead about his behavior or choices which would make a whole lot more sense. Instead of comparing yourself to the girl that is your opposite, that he clearly has a connection with, asking him what he really wants would make more sense.
But it is part of our nature to blame ourselves for a failed relationship.
And with the way social media works, we can now compare ourselves quite literally to the woman he chose. You can look at her photos. You can see what her ex looked like. You can see how she looks in a bathing suit or how not awkward she was as a teenager.
You can mock her or feel intimidated by her. All of this feeds your insecurities and makes you feel worse about yourself. Can you imagine? All this pain and self-doubt because he chose her over you? [Read: How to stop loving someone else and start loving yourself more]
Why he chose her over you
I would love to tell you that answering this question is as simple as asking him, but most guys aren’t considerate enough to grace us with an answer. Not that his answer would really mean much.
If you could ask your ex why he chose her over you, what do you think he would say? Would he say she is hotter? Would he say she is easier to deal with or that she is more fun?
Or would he say you came up too short? Would he say the worst thing you’re thinking about yourself? Probably, almost certainly, no.
To be honest, most guys don’t even see the things we second-guess about ourselves. I can assure you he didn’t pick her over you because your nose has a dent or your boobs aren’t the same size. It wasn’t because you aren’t tan enough or thin enough or curvy enough. [Read: What to do if your boyfriend likes pictures of others girls on Instagram?]
It wasn’t because you aren’t confident enough or agreeable enough or easy enough.
As much as we compare and wonder and worry and stress over all of these things and more, he did not choose her over you for any describable reason.
When someone leaves you for another woman, it is purely preference and feelings, at least for any somewhat decent guy. You will never hear a guy worth being with say he left his girl to be with someone that had bigger boobs. It just isn’t going to happen.
Seriously, watch The Bachelor. When he has two women at the end and is struggling to choose, he isn’t mentioning that one is tall and one is short. He is talking about your future, whose lifestyle lines up with his, and who he has that indescribable feeling with. [Read: How to tell if there’s serious chemistry between two people]
They almost always say they just knew. And that is the thing. I know it won’t give you peace of mind. It won’t give you something to fix or focus on or pick apart about your body or personality, but that’s the way it is.
Just because he had that feeling with someone else and not with you does not make you any less amazing. It doesn’t mean you weren’t enough. It just means you weren’t for him and that is okay.
Think about it like pink hair. It is cool. You may not personally like it or ever even consider it, but that doesn’t mean there is anything wrong with it for someone else. Just because he didn’t pick you doesn’t mean you aren’t awesome and the right match for someone else. [Read: How to leave your relationship with your head held high]
How to get over why he chose her over you
I’m sorry my answer probably didn’t offer much help. I know it sucks to not have a clear-cut and concise answer to something like this. Seriously, I’ve been there.
The good news, I’m over it. It wasn’t an overnight healing process. I didn’t just come to terms with the fact that the guy I was in love with picked someone over me.
I had to do a lot of self-reflecting and distance myself from the feelings I still had for him. Then, I had to look at the situation with a fresh set of eyes and a new perspective. [Read: How to stop liking a guy you know you can’t have]
I eventually realized I didn’t want someone who didn’t want me, no matter what their reason was. I wasted so much time wondering if she was a better kisser than me or was funnier than me. What did she do that I didn’t?
But the thing is, it wasn’t about her. And it wasn’t really about me either.
A relationship needs to be a two-way street. If he didn’t want me because he chose her or for any other reason I am better off without him, and so are you.
I know fighting practically and rationality with pain, betrayal, and self-doubt isn’t easy, but over time you will realize you are better off with someone that picks you first whether that is a better guy or yourself.
I hope you stop asking yourself why he chose her over you. Instead, ask yourself what you will now choose over him.