So, you’re in that euphoric stage where every text, call, or even the mere thought…
Sexuality can be a tricky subject to talk about. Those who are Aceflux or Aroflux can often find relationships difficult.
Life isn’t as simple as it once was, at least it doesn’t seem to be. There are many subjects like aceflux and aroflux which we tend to shy away from talking about nowadays, because we either don’t fully understand the subject, or we feel strange about it.
Whichever category the subject falls into, feeling ‘odd’ about a particular subject almost always comes down to not understanding it and not accepting it. Every single person on this planet is different, and that means that every single person experiences love and attraction in different ways.
Are love and attraction the same or are they different? Do you believe that you can have love without attraction? There are a few terms which prove you can.
Asexuals, for instance, have no sense of attraction sexually, but that doesn’t mean they can’t love someone for the person they are. It isn’t always about attraction, it isn’t always about sex. Sometimes love is purely a platonic feeling, but just as powerful.[Read: 15 signs you’re asexual and don’t like getting laid as much as others]
What are aceflux and aroflux?
It seems like every day we have a new term to talk about, and at the moment it is ‘aceflux’ and ‘aroflux’.
These are both terms which are linked to sexuality, and the way in which someone feels and experiences a sense of attraction. We really shouldn’t use the word ‘normal’, because what exactly is normal anyway? Most people assume that in terms of sexuality, ‘normal’ is feeling a strong sense of sexual attraction towards someone you are in a relationship with, or someone you are crushing on. What if normal for someone else is feeling no attraction at all, or feeling it in different ways, on different days?
Normal is different for everyone. If it was the same across the board, life would be very boring indeed! [Read: What it’s like for asexuals in the dating world]
So, aceflux and aroflux, let’s get around to defining these two terms.
Somewhere in the middle of asexual *feeling no attraction at all sexually* and allosexual *feeling attraction sexually* we have a grey area. This grey area includes aceflux and aroflux.
What is aceflux?
Aceflux is someone who experiences sexual attraction sometimes, but not all the time. It tends to ebb and flow over a period of time and is often not at all predictable. At one point, they can feel attracted to someone, another time they can feel a slight attraction, and then they can’t feel attraction at all. This is aceflux.
A person who associates themselves with this term can also be someone who is repulsed by sex, indifference, quite neutral towards it, or someone who actually has a positive attitude towards sex. It simply changes from time to time. [Read: Aromantic asexuality – A guide to understanding this sexual identity]
So, what is aroflux?
Another term you might not have heard of. Aroflux is less sexual and more romantic. A person who is aroflux experiences fluctuations in the same ways as aceflux individuals, but it isn’t about sexual attraction, it is about romantic feelings.
That probably leads you to think that if your partner is not at all romantic, they are aroflux. That’s not the case. A person who is aroflux feels very romantic sometimes, super romantic in fact, but then feels vastly indifferent about it another time. It changes and it ebbs and flows, just as a person experiences attraction when they are aceflux.
How does a relationship between an asexual and an allosexual work?
There are two sides to this point, and I’ll start with the wider angle first. Let’s talk about asexual beings and allosexual beings, before we narrow it down and lurk into the grey area between.
As before, someone who is asexual doesn’t feel sexual attraction. Someone who is allosexual does experience sexual attraction. Does that mean that relationships between the two groups are doomed to failure? [Read: What does sexual attraction really feel like? How to know exactly]
Not necessarily, but there’s no denying that it can be a difficult union. Communication is key in this case. For instance, perhaps it is a male and female relationship and the male is asexual, but the woman is allosexual. The man doesn’t feel sexually attracted to the woman, but that doesn’t mean he finds her repulsive, and he loves her unquestionably. The woman on the other hand experiences both love and attraction. You could argue that she feels her needs are not being met sexually.
This is why many relationships between asexuals and allosexuals, either heterosexual or homosexual relationships, often don’t last the distance. Communication becomes difficult. Emotions get in the way. One party feels undesirable, but that’s not the case, and unless communication is on top, that person is going to leave and find a person who gives them the sexual satisfaction they desire.
Having said that, there are a vast number of asexuals who do have sex, they simply don’t experience the desire and the attraction. [Read: The aromantic dilemma – 16 myths and truths about their love life]
How does a relationship work with someone who is aceflux or aroflux?
That now leads us onto relationships with one partner who is allosexual and another partner who is either aceflux or aroflux.
The hardest out of the two is probably aroflux, because the romantic side of things is much more emotionally charged than the sexual. Many relationships which are tinged with aceflux are quite successful, because the ebb and flow of sexual attraction evens itself out over time, and the emotional connection, e.g. the love and romance, stays constant.
A relationship with someone who classifies themselves as aroflux however can be difficult for the partner concerned. Why? Because during the times when romance is dead in the water, they can feel unwanted, loved, and lacking in TLC. Of course, a little later the romance comes back, but it’s a constant rollercoaster of romantic ups and downs.
The only way that either relationship can survive the long haul is with lots of communication. Talk about how it feels, and the partner needs to talk about how it makes them feel. Reassure the partner that it’s not a personal, that it’s simply a quirk in their personality which they cannot help, it is part of their DNA, their hard-wiring, their mind-set. If someone loves you unconditionally, none of that will matter provided you can be open and honest about how it all makes you feel.
We should also point out that even with a relationship which is considered by social to be ‘normal’, there are variations in sexual attraction, appetite, and romance naturally. During stressful times, it’s likely you won’t want to have sex, I know I don’t! This doesn’t mean your relationships is on the rocks, it simply means you endure it together. [Read: Romantic orientations – Just how many kinds of them do we have?]
Should we have labels at all?
Another question to ask is whether we should put a label on any of this at all. Does it matter if a person doesn’t experience attraction? Does it matter if a person does? Does it mean there is something fundamentally wrong with either side? No. It is part of their personality and something which make them who they are.
With that in mind, should we label it? More and more people are choosing to be gender neutral, e.g. neither male nor female, so why can’t we have the same fluidity with sexuality and romance? Why do we have to label ourselves as having fluctuating feelings? Why do we have to tell people who don’t really matter? Provided you communicate your feelings with your partner, the rest of the world should really disappear into the background!
Relationships which don’t follow what society considers to be a ‘normal’ pattern are no less valid than those which do.[Read: The list of sexualities and what you need to know about each orientation]
Sexual attraction and romantic feelings ebb and flow quite naturally for many people, but those who are aroflux and aceflux experience larger variations over time. Provided communication takes place, a relationships can survive the so-called storm.