Shhh, Don’t Tell! Secrets You’re Allowed to Keep in a Relationship

You’re supposed to be able to tell your partner everything without judgement, which is true. But are there secrets you’re allowed to keep in a relationship?

Countless magazines tell you that you shouldn’t keep any secrets from your partner. Hell, even I’ve said it. And to some extent, it’s true. You should be able to talk openly and honestly with your partner about anything, but are there some secrets you’re allowed to keep in a relationship? I would have to say yes.

For example, do you really need to tell your partner how many people you’ve slept with? No, you don’t. [Read: The checklist to follow for a happy romance]

The secrets you’re allowed to keep in a relationship

Now, this doesn’t mean you need to dodge every question they ask, but there are some things you don’t have to talk about. It’s okay to leave a little mystery. If these secrets were things that happened in the past, you may not have to tell them. Of course, it depends what secrets we’re talking about.

Now, if you’ve had substance abuse issues in the past, this is something you should tell your partner. But what shouldn’t you tell them? Well, I’m going to tell you what you can keep a secret right now. Some things are meant to be a secret.

#1 You’ve had better sex. You may have had better sex but this isn’t something you need to share. Plus, the sex with your past partner may have been amazing, but you lacked the connection you have with your new partner.

The point is, your partner doesn’t need to know they’re second or third best. This isn’t going to make them feel good about themselves, nor will it make your relationship stronger. [Read: 15 things to talk about in a perfect relationship]

#2 How many sexual encounters you’ve had. Listen, whether you’ve slept with two people or 200, no one needs to know this except for you. Of course, when it comes to STIs you should tell them. This is something that could affect their own personal health.

But other than that, if you’re in a committed relationship with your partner, there’s no need to exchange the numbers of people you’ve slept with. The number doesn’t change anything. [Read: How to talk about your past sexual experiences with your current partner]

#3 A characteristic you don’t like that they can’t change. If you don’t like a core characteristic they have, well, what are you going to do? Tell them that they don’t like something that they can’t change? And then what? Now, if you’re concerned about their weight, for example, these are things that can change but have to be encouraged positively.

Your partner is going to have quirks that you may not like, but that’s also why you love them. [Read: Are you being selfish in your relationship?]

#4 If you dislike any of their family members. Of course, you think your family is better than their family. And naturally, since they’re not your family, the things they do may bother and annoy you. It can be disrespectful to express this. Instead of openly disliking their family, find a solution to co-exist with them.

 #5 How you spend your money. If you’re married to your partner and share expenses, naturally, how you handle your money may differ in some aspects depending on how you arrange it. You don’t need to explain every daily purchase you make throughout the day. This only adds anxiety and stress to a relationship. But if you’re in debt, you should let them know.

#6 You like specific things about your ex better than them. Listen, there are qualities that our exes had that our current partners may not have. Every person is different. You’re with your current partner for different reasons. But you don’t need to share qualities that you miss from your ex with your current partner. How do you think this would make them feel? [Read: How to stop comparing your new partner with your ex]

#7 If you think their friend is hot. It’s normal to expect that your partner is going to have attractive friends. But they don’t need to know that you think their friends are hot. You’re not planning on acting on this, so why even bring it up? Now, if you want to act on these feelings, well, that’s different. But if you just find their friend hot, there’s no need to share that.

#8 They need to lose weight. Sure, you wish your partner had a super flat and sexy stomach, we all do, but this isn’t something you need to share. You’re with your partner for a reason. If the only thing bothering you is their body, well, maybe you need to find someone else because you don’t deserve them.

#9 You weren’t attracted to them initially. When did you start thinking you were such a bombshell? It’s time you got off your high horse there. Attraction takes time to develop. It’s not always something that just happens overnight. If it took you time to become attracted to your partner that’s normal, but you don’t need to remind them of that.

#10 Lingering feelings for your ex. Oh god, this isn’t something you should do. In fact, this will only bring on insecurities in your partner. You don’t want that. Your ex may always have a place in your heart, but you don’t need to share this with your current partner. If you’re unsure of what to do and unsure about your feelings, take some time and sort them out on your own. [Read: 10 clear signs your past relationship is holding you back in life]

#11 Negative things your friends and family say about them. If you repeat what your family or friends tell you about them, the next time you have a family dinner, they’re not going to come.

Negative reactions can be hurtful and hard to recover from. Once you tell them, the odds are they will distance themselves from your family and friends.

Have you already told your partner some of the secrets you’re allowed to keep in a relationship? If so, don’t worry. But if you haven’t told them, then maybe keep it that way.