It’s normal to feel nervous before sex with a newbie, but if you’re experiencing jitters constantly, it’s time to learn how to not be nervous about sex.
Sex is a strange thing. When you really break it down and think about what it entails, it’s really quite bizarre. There’s nothing particularly glamorous about sex, and it’s nothing like you see in the movies. Sweat, potential for falling over, strange noises, weird faces, and all manner of odd bodily fluids. It’s no wonder some people wonder how to not be nervous about sex.
The single best way to know how to not be nervous about sex is being realistic about what it is. It’s not supposed to be shiny and sophisticated. No matter how much badly performed porn you might watch, real life sex is far from erotic. Does it matter what it all looks like? You’re in the middle of it, you’re not supposed to be watching from afar!
When you first start dating someone new and sex looks like it’s about to happen, it’s entirely normal to feel nervous. Getting naked in front of another person is terrifying in some ways. Although you know they probably feel the same way, that first time is always fraught with some nerves.
First time sex with a new partner is not often the mind-blowing experience that we build them up to be in our heads! But, if you’re nervous every single time sex looks like it’s about to happen, ask yourself why. [Read: How long should you date before you have sex for the first time?]
What triggers your fear?
Is it the idea of taking your clothes off in front of another person? Or do you fear the other person not enjoying themselves? Is it the fear of you not enjoying yourself? Pinpoint the reason for your nerves, so you can work it out.
Of course, a little nervous energy can sometimes be a good thing, but if you want to kick the pre-jiggy nerves out of your life for good, how can you do it? [Read: How to overcome sexual anxiety and perform well]
How to not be nervous about sex
A lot of the nervous energy connected to sex is about expectation. We hear so much about it and see it glamorized on TV. Of course you’re going to be nervous about living up to these expectations. First things first, these expectations are not real! They are fallacies that need to be kicked out.
Break sex down to what it is. It’s a fun time and a connection between two people who like each other and who find each other attractive. That’s all it is. There is nothing particularly complicated about sex. If you find that you’re adding complications, focus on how to let go of them. There are no rules, it’s just about what feels good. That’s really all sex is.
Get out of your own head
Once you’ve overcome those expectations, get out of your own head. Don’t overthink it, don’t panic, and don’t start a hamster wheel of anxiety-ridden thoughts about how your body looks naked. Your body looks more than fine naked, and your partner is just downright thrilled that you want to share it with them!
Turn it around; your partner is probably having the same body confidence anxieties, so fake that confidence and you’ll start to feel it. [Read: The common fears we all have the first time we get naked with a new partner]
Try deep relaxation before sexy time actually occurs. This is one of the best tips for how not to be nervous about sex. When you’re so relaxed you feel like liquid, it’s very difficult to be nervous or worried about anything!
Why not try a massage? Take it in turns and see how relaxing it all feels. The ironic thing is that by touching each other’s bodies in this way, with the knowledge that it’s probably going to lead to sex at some stage soon, you’ll find yourself getting turned on, and that in itself will take away your nerves, as your body’s carnal instincts take over.
Take it slow. There’s no rush! You don’t have to rush straight into the main course, take your time exploring each other, and wait until you’re totally ready before you actually get down to it, so to speak. Part of the fun is the anticipation and build up anyway, the longer you take to reach the actual main event, the more you’ll enjoy it in the long run.
Make sure you communicate throughout the entire process, tell your partner what feels good, and encourage them to do the same. By being able to talk and share how it all feels, you’ll not have time to consider the ‘does this feel good to them?’ or ‘am I doing this right’ monologue in your head. It’s really quite impossible to do sex wrong, always remember that! [Read: Must follow rules for the first time sleeping with a new partner]
What not to do
There are a few things you shouldn’t do when trying to overcome your pre-jiggy jitters. Firstly, don’t drink. Okay, one drink is fine if it helps settle your nerves, but the bottom line is that if you need alcohol to feel ready for sex then you’re really not ready in the first place!
If anything, alcohol-fueled sex is even more messy and disastrous than your fears will tell you, and you’ll only spend the next morning cringing as the memories come back. So, one glass of wine to relax is fine, but more than that is a bad idea. [Read: 10 sober reasons why drunk sex is never a good idea]
If you feel so nervous that you freeze, don’t be tempted to push through it. If you’re really not ready then seriously, don’t do it. There’s a big difference between a few excitement/nervous butterflies, and feeling paralyzed by fear.
Butterflies are normal, being frozen to the spot is not. Pushing through in this case is not a good way to practice how to not be nervous about sex. In this case, examine what makes you so scared and talk to your partner about it to find a way through. Perhaps you don’t even want to find a way through and that’s totally fine right now too.
The biggest problem with sex is that we focus so much on how we think it should be, and that completely takes away the fun and excitement of the whole thing. Yes, sex is serious, and yes, we need to proceed with common sense. [Read: Sleeping with someone new for the first time? 13 rules to make it way easier]
If you are with someone you care about and you’re being careful, sex should be a loving and lighthearted experience that brings you both closer together. Whether it’s through laughing at things going ‘wrong,’ or because it was so epically moving that you both couldn’t get your breath at the end.
Sex is different every single time. You cannot do sex wrong, so if that’s what’s making you nervous, it’s time to throw that out of the window and get focused on the things that you enjoy and the things that turn you on. Practice with your partner, that’s part of the fun!
learning how to not be nervous about sex all comes down to feeling confident and secure. Remember, sex is supposed to be fun, light-hearted. Enjoy it, don’t worry about it!