Dating Your Friend’s Ex? The Rules to Avoid Any Hate & Stay Friends

The heart wants what the heart wants. Sometimes we fall in love with people previously with our friends. If you’re dating your friend’s ex, what do you do?

Now, who am I to say two people can’t be together? Sometimes you fall for someone and start dating your friend’s ex. It’s not intentional. You probably spent a lot of time together because of your friend, and slowly feelings developed. Now, you want to date each other.

Your friend, unless they are super understanding, probably isn’t happy about this development. But, love is love. So, if you’re going to date your friend’s ex, then there are some rules you should follow to aid the transition.

Dating your friend’s ex? The rules you need to know

At sixteen, I had my first boyfriend. I mean, in hindsight, we weren’t really a couple. We would go for walks and kiss in front of my house, but that was about it. Nevertheless, I really liked him and thought we were something special.

[Read: Are your friends using you? How to end the cycle]

Eventually, we broke up, and my best friend started to date him. I was ruined. I was heartbroken and betrayed. The thing is, I didn’t really care about him; I was more hurt over my friend dating someone I was once with. I felt she broke a huge rule—you’re not supposed to touch, let alone look at someone your friend once dated. But, at the same time, they were an amazing couple. They clicked.

It’s tricky to be dating your friend’s ex, but it can be done.

#1 Talk to your friend. At the end of the day, no one knows if you and your friend’s ex are going to make it. But, your friend has been by your side through thick and thin. Don’t hide this from them and sneak around with their ex. Before they find out on their own, sit down with them, and talk about what happened. [Read: Your guide to grow up and face life like a mature adult]

#2 Talk to your partner *your friend’s ex*. Listen, you should be on the same page when it comes to your friend. Their ex wants to be with you, and you may like them, but there needs to be some sort of plan in place. A great idea would be to move slowly and not rush into a relationship, take some time to get to know them before making any big decisions.

#3 Lay low for a couple of months. If you decide to date each other, don’t flaunt the relationship. Your friend is going through their own feelings and struggles about this new relationship. Flaunting it isn’t respectful or classy. Take a couple of months to lie low, and give your friend time to move on.

#4 Respect your friend’s boundaries. If your friend doesn’t want to go to parties or events where their ex *your partner* is going to be, respect that. Don’t pressure them to “get over” their feelings or adapt to your relationship. Not everyone is so easy to accept this type of change. You and your new partner need to respect their boundaries.

#5 Always check in with your partner. It’s a weird situation, something that will take time for everyone to get used to. The relationship you went into is one with a little bit of drama, so you need to check in with your partner and see how they’re feeling. Are they feeling guilty? Or are they working through their emotions? Are they in contact with their ex *your friend*?

#6 Have a meeting. This may be a little awkward, but eventually, the three of you should have a meeting together. Not right away; give it a couple of months for things to simmer down. If everyone is willing and open to the idea, set up a meeting, and see how everyone is. There may be some unresolved feelings, and since some time has passed, they may be more relaxed to speak openly. [Read: How to be a good person – 10 small changes to transform your world]

#7 Don’t talk trash. You’re now dating your friend’s ex. Since your new partner dated your friend, there is probably some jealously floating inside of you. But listen, this isn’t a contest of who’s better than who. Don’t talk trash about your friend in hopes of looking like the better choice. That’s not cool at all.

#8 Your relationship will change with your friend. This is something that’s going to happen whether you like it or not. If you’re dating their ex, your relationship isn’t going to be the same. Your friend probably will not feel comfortable talking about your relationship. So, if you notice your relationship becoming less personal, don’t be alarmed. Just give it time.

#9 Understand some exes are off-limits. No one wants to hear this, but there are some people you really shouldn’t date. Listen, if you know your friend’s ex is the one for you, then you’ll probably need to choose between them or your friend. Because if the ex was from a serious relationship, your friend will really struggle to accept what you did.

#10 Give things time to settle. I know you want everything to be how it once was, but dating a friend’s ex changes things. Right now, it probably feels weird for everyone, but give it time to settle down. Don’t force everyone to be buddies or your relationship with your friend to go back to normal. Be patient and let people process this in their own time. [Read: How to rebuild trust with someone you hurt without making excuses]

#11 Think twice before doing it. Is their ex someone you really need to date? Or is this just sexual attraction? If you’re going to make this move, think about the consequences because there will be some. Is their ex someone you really see yourself with? Or will it just be a short-lived fling? Before making this decision, think twice.

[Read: 15 rules to set healthy boundaries in any relationship]

Listen, in an ideal world, you shouldn’t be dating your friend’s ex. But, of course, you can’t control your feelings. So, if this happens, follow these rules.