How to Recognize a Lack of Chemistry and Bring the Sparks Back

If you have a lack of chemistry with the person you’re dating, you know how it can feel.  I have good news, hope is not lost. Let’s get into chemistry.

When you like someone and enjoy their company but just aren’t feeling that spark, it can be a real downer. It can feel like you’ll stay stuck with this lack of chemistry and just never get there.

What really sucks about this is that there is nothing quantifiably wrong. It’s just a lack of chemistry between you. And even though we don’t like to admit it, chemistry in a relationship is important.

Without at least some chemistry, you have a friendship. There needs to be some sort of attraction, intimacy, and desire to form the bond of a romantic and sexual relationship.

But, just because you don’t feel it now, it doesn’t mean you never will. [Read: The signs of chemistry that reveal an instant connection]

Why is there a lack of chemistry?

Trying to form that spark when there is a lack of chemistry can feel forced and unnatural. But, figuring why there is a lack of chemistry can help you overcome whatever is holding you back.

First of all, is there a lack of chemistry just on your end or are both of you finding it hard to get to that next step?

If it is just you, figure out why you aren’t feeling it. But, if both of you are struggling with it, there has to be a conversation to figure it out and overcome it or end things.

In my experience, the major reason there might be a lack of chemistry is nerves. Nerves are almost always present in a new relationship. Whether this is someone you recently met or someone you’ve known for years, making that change and taking that step is scary. [Read: 15 signs of mutual sexual tension and how to handle the horniness]

The vulnerability of giving into strong chemistry can be intimidating and can bring up emotional struggles in your past. As a form of self-preservation, we shut down the part of ourselves that feels the chemistry.

If you can work through those fears and see this person separate from your past, you can create chemistry and have it thrive.

Another reason there may be a lack of chemistry is weirdness. Remember when Ross and Rachel first started dating on Friends, and she couldn’t stop laughing when they kissed? Even though they had great chemistry for the rest of the show she struggled making that change.

When you’ve been platonic friends with someone taking that jump into more than friends can feel more weird than passionate at first.

[Read: The real secrets to create chemistry that sticks and sizzles] 

Another reason many people struggle with a lack of chemistry is attraction. We all find different characteristics attractive. You may even have a type. Say you have only dated guys who are tall with dark hair and dark eyes. Well, your new guy is your height, with thinner hair and freckles.

At first, not being used to someone’s physical appearance can throw off how attracted you are to them. As much as looks don’t always matter, just something different can make you react in a way that lacks chemistry. But, I am sure you know that no matter how someone looks if the feelings are there, the chemistry will come in time. Remember Beauty and The Beast?

Can a lack of chemistry be fixed?

These are just some of the most common reasons there may be a lack of chemistry between you and your partner. But, each of them can be worked through.

Opposed to what many people believe, there does not need to be a spark for a relationship to prosper or thrive. You do not need to have wild and steamy chemistry from day one.

In fact, it is the friendship, trust, and companionship you can rarely forge later on. Chemistry, on the other hand, can be sprouted and grown later, sometimes even more successfully than if it were there from the beginning.

What you need before trying to fix a lack of chemistry is patience. It is unlikely that your partner will take you on one romantic date and all your passion will just form over the course of that evening. [Read: 60 get-to-know-you questions in a new romance]

In the movies, it tends to happen when someone loses what has been right in front of them all along. For instance, when someone’s best friend has been in love with them for years, but they never saw it until they got engaged to someone else.

In real life, jealousy and drama are not the most practical or even romantic ways to form chemistry between you and the person you so desperately want to have chemistry with. But I can tell you what will help. [Read: A true story about chemistry and sparks in romance]

What to do about a lack of chemistry

Creating chemistry with someone is not about forcing it. It isn’t about running into the bedroom and getting the awkwardness out of the way.

It is about building trust. And it is about having fun and going from unlit to a few sparks until the fire never burns out.

In fact, too much chemistry up front can blind you from red flags and cause for a catastrophe later on. Appreciate getting to know each other in a different way with more patience and compatibility. It can actually benefit your relationship in the long run.

#1 Take your time. Don’t rush things. Just because you may be used to a relationship with sparks flying left and right, it doesn’t mean that is the only way. You don’t need to kiss on the first date.

Just slowly get to know each other. Chemistry can form when you bond over things other than physicality. You may connect through childhood memories, a love for Harry Potter, or even the adrenaline of traveling. [Read: How to keep from moving too fast in a new relationship]

#2 Try not to worry about it. Don’t let this lack of chemistry cloud the rest of this relationship. Focus on what you do like about this person. Think about why you want there to be chemistry. Consider all the things that make them a good partner rather than the one thing you’re lacking.

#3 Forget about traditional attraction. I cannot say this enough but hotness does not equate to chemistry. You could go on a date with Chris Evans or Ariana Grande, and it could be the worst sex you’ve ever had. Try not to think about chemistry in regards to this person’s physical fitness or appearance.

#4 Make each other laugh. Laughter really is the best medicine for everything. And when there is a lack of chemistry, laughter can bring you together. Have you ever laughed so hard with someone you couldn’t breathe?

That feeling is so strong it foregoes your sanity for a moment. It isn’t worried about how you sound or look. Letting go of those things and just enjoying your time can create that spark. [Read: The 5 most important signs of relationship compatibility]

#5 Enjoy a new experience together. Trying something new with someone is a great way to connect on a deeper level. It doesn’t have to be anything crazy, but just going someplace new can ignite that spark. If you take all your dates to the same coffee place, try going out of your regular places.

#6 See a romantic movie together. Whether at home on the couch or in the theaters, seeing a romance movie with this person can ignite something between you. Sitting next to someone, cuddling them, or just holding their hand while the characters on screen are building this strong chemistry can help you feel it from each other. [Read: 15 naughty ways to spice up a relationship that feels like friendship]

#7 Do something physical. I don’t mean sex. But go work out together. Go for a hike. Take a couples yoga a class or get massages. These things let you experience physical chemistry with the other person that may not be sexual but definitely in the same family.

#8 Take baby steps. As I said you don’t need to rush into it. Take baby steps to form chemistry you’re both comfortable with. Hold hands, cuddle on the sofa, run your fingers through their hair. Give each other a massage. Sex does not have to be one thing that is good or bad.

Enjoy all the smaller moments of physical touch that could lead up to that. [Read: A guide on effective communication in a relationship]

#9 Take a risk. Doing something together that launches adrenaline can certainly create a bond between you that forms a lot of chemistry. Something like bungee jumping or skydiving may seem excessive but can really release the feelings you may have had buried.

[Read: 50 relationship questions to test your compatibility]

So, are you going to try to fix this lack of chemistry and go for it? Or would you rather walk away without giving it a real shot of building intimacy and chemistry?