How Many Times Can You Give Your Heart Away Before It Breaks For Good?FFOL Editor 1
“Never allow someone to be your priority while allowing yourself to be their option.” – Mark Twain
Some days I wonder, how many times can you give your heart away without return before it breaks for good? How many times can you feel like you give of yourself and get nothing back?
How many days can someone feel ignored and pushed away before they go away for good? How many days can someone try to be vulnerable only to get their hopes crushed?
Then I start thinking maybe I’m seeing things incorrectly. I had to ask myself if my belief that I’m giving away too much is true or am I not getting what I expect I should get or what I think I should be getting according to some grand plan of the way life should be?
Let me ask you this: Are you getting nothing, or is it what you are getting just not enough? Do you think that maybe what you get is never enough? Are you getting nothing or is what you are getting just different? Is what your partner gives really nothing or is it just nothing to you?
Are you really giving too much or being taken for granted or being ignored?
But, What If?
What if all of these thoughts about giving and not getting are figments of the imagination. What if the problem is how you view the world and it isn’t about someone else? What if you are super sensitive to certain things (like being feeling ignored) that makes it seem like the other person is doing something wrong?
What if the person you love is doing the best they can, and they love you and accept you, but they suck at certain things?
What if you stop for a minute and try to see things in a different light?
I’ll be honest here. My boyfriend and I have been together for almost two years and it has been difficult at times. We are both alpha. We are both scared of intimacy and being hurt. We are both used to being alone and being in control so needless to say we have struggled merging our lives together.
When I started writing this post it was in the middle of one of his “no contact” periods. Since I’ve known him he will disappear for a day or two when he goes back to his home town or goes off on a training mission or during deployment.
I have told him three million times that I feel unimportant and neglected when he does it, yet he does it anyway. He always says, “but you are important to me” and “I don’t understand why you think you aren’t.”
For a long time, I let it get to me. Everything you read tells you that if a man is interested in you he will call and text and do all those little things. So, I focused on what he WASN’T doing for me and I started to feel used and stupid and like a typical giver who was getting nothing in return.
But, that’s a horrible place to be and I wasn’t really sure it was the truth.
Everyone and Every Relationship Is Different
Over the past two years I have gotten to know my guy much better and the more I know him the more I see how much he values his independence and his need for control. He doesn’t try and control me (in fact, quite the opposite), so what can I do about it? Nothing.
He is also the worst multi-tasker in the world. This comes with good and bad. When he is with me he is 100% focused on me and when he isn’t he’s focused on what he’s doing. So, irritating at times. But, when you date someone who does the job he does it’s understandable. If he doesn’t pay attention to what he’s doing he dies.
This one issue still bothers me, and I think it always will to some extent, but I’m learning to accept it because with this one bad thing comes a ton of good things.
He is honest and ethical and treats me well. He always wants me to be happy and puts up with my moodiness and tries to bring me to a better place. He cares about whether I’m safe and taken care of and these things mean more to me than the fact that he’s a twit when it comes to texting.
Just last night we were in the middle of a conversation and *poof* he disappeared. It used to infuriate me and now I almost have to laugh. I know he is super busy on a deployment, doing the work of six guys in a crap country, all by himself while I sit at home laying by the pool and go out with friends. Sometimes you must give more than you receive and that’s just life.
So, What Does All This Mean?
If you are in considering ending your relationship because you think you give more than you get. try changing your perspective. Take a good, hard look at what is going on from your point of view and then from your partner’s point of view.
Don’t get me wrong. There are a TON of relationships where one person continually gives more than they receive. For me, that was nearly every relationship prior to this one. If you are in a relationship with someone who won’t commit, and you want commitment then you are giving too much. Leave.
If you are putting up with any type of abuse you are giving too much. Leave. If you are bending over backwards to plan dates and initiate all the calling and texting, you are giving too much. Either leave or pull back.
But, if you are with someone who is giving you their best decide whether their best is enough for you or not. Decide what you are willing to sacrifice for love.
Real life isn’t Hollywood. You aren’t living in The Notebook. Deal with it.
I want a man with superior character who I can trust and who has my best interests at heart. To gain that I give up someone who is a good communicator and/or good at texting/calling. Some will say why give up anything? You shouldn’t have to sacrifice. You can find someone who will do all those things.
Maybe so. But, in my experience with my history it hasn’t come so easily, and I have someone who makes me feel safe and that is not something I’m willing to give up for some prospect that may or may not exist.
What all of this means is to stop wallowing in self-pity. People only take from you if you allow it. If you think boundaries have been crossed, then it’s your job to create stronger boundaries or find someone who doesn’t push them so easily.
What all of this means is that sometimes you ARE getting from people you just don’t recognize it because the way they give is different than the way you give.
What all of this means is you might need to find your voice and express what it is you need and maybe they can give it and maybe they can’t. Then you need to decide if what they can give is enough.
Sometimes things don’t work out. People can love each other and not be right together. But, I do believe that most people can make their relationships work if they are willing to take the time to learn, listen and understand each other.
In the end if your relationship is not worth saving and if your heart is breaking know that you will love again.