4 Legitimate Reasons You Should Leave Your Cheating Husband or BoyfriendFFOL Editor 1
“The more people rationalize cheating, the more it becomes a culture of dishonesty.” – Stephen Covey
A lot of women come to me asking how to forgive their cheating husband or boyfriend. They want to know how to get past the betrayal and fix the relationship.
It amazes me that they want to know what they can do to make everything better while the guy is usually sitting around minimizing, denying and blaming. They want to win him back or win him over or somehow make him love them and choose them again.
Its as if this one man can make them feel loved and accepted and without it they don’t know what to do. Are you one of these women? Do you want to try to keep your family together “for the kids?” Are you scared to leave because he provides financially? Do you think if you just say or do the right things or look the right way he will see his mistake and come crawling back?
Personally, I do believe there are times you should try and make it work, but those are few and far between and depend on the length of your relationship, the length of the affair, the extent of the damage and whether he is truly contrite and willing to do the work. The first three issues vary by relationship but the last two are NOT OPTIONAL.
If he won’t take responsibility and won’t work to move things forward and understand the extent of the betrayal, then you have nowhere to go.
Granted, women cheat too and I’m not saying this post doesn’t go both ways, but usually once men are cheated on they want out. They don’t want to fix things and they don’t feel the need to question everything they could have done wrong like women do.
So, ladies here are the reasons you should leave.
Reason #1: They cheated for whatever reason.
Maybe I’m old fashioned. Maybe I take relationships too seriously. Maybe I believe in being honest with myself and others. Hopefully you do too.
Being with someone who cheats tears away a little piece of your sanity and your self-esteem. If you stay with them you will constantly be questioning whether you can trust them or whether you’re acting in a way that will keep them from straying yet again.
Why do you want to spend your life knowing that your spouse chose their own needs over the needs of the relationship or you or your family in such a demoralizing sneaky way?
I’m sure tons of people have excuses for why they cheat and I’m not saying it isn’t easy to do when things are going badly in your relationship. Still, cheating is never okay. Period.
My boyfriend and I have had our struggles. Our relationship was really up and down the first two years. There were times he didn’t pay enough attention to me. There were times he drove me crazy and I questioned everything about him and about us.
No matter how hard it got cheating was never a thought in my mind and never an option. Instead I focused on what I could change and how I could make things better whether that meant working on myself or working on the relationship.
Through that effort we have become closer and he has come to trust me because he was the one that was cheated on previously and I was bound and determined to make him realize not everyone is like that. Some of us act like adults and make the difficult choices. Some of us abide by our word and seek to fill our emptiness through self-reflection and not external admiration.
Obviously, not everyone can do this. But, do you want someone who can’t honestly say to themselves that they aren’t happy in the relationship and can’t approach you and communicate their feelings and their needs?
Reason #2: They try to justify their behavior by saying, “it just happened”.
Cheating is a choice, not a mistake.
Nothing like that just happens by accident. Frankly, nothing at all ever happens by accident unless its an act of God. When it first rains anywhere in Southern California the roads become immediately slippery and your car can fishtail no matter how careful you are. This is an accident.
By definition, an accident is “an unfortunate incident that happens unexpectedly and unintentionally” or “an event that happens by chance or that is without apparent or deliberate cause. Dropping a bowling ball on your foot happens by accident. Tripping over a curb happens by accident. Missing your exit happens by accident. Although these examples are unintentional most accidents are usually caused by someone not paying attention.
You don’t unexpectedly and unintentionally cheat on someone. Cheating doesn’t just happen and if your spouse says this to try and diminish their responsibility stop them right there with a wave of the hand and a, “Don’t even go there with me” statement or a “Stop. Just Stop. I’m not hearing this.”
It’s like saying a pregnancy “just happened”. Um, no. There’s this thing called sex and when you have it without protection you often end up with that little thing called a baby.
Your spouse didn’t wake up one day and fall into the clutches of another woman who bonked him over the head with a mallet and drug him into her lair. Face the truth.
Reason #3: They say, “It really didn’t mean anything.
WHAT? That isn’t going to make anyone feel any better and in fact it will make you feel worse. So, not only did they betray you, your trust, your love, your family and your sense of safety they did it with someone who means nothing to them?
What are they saying? Was he with a prostitute or some chick from the strip club? Is that supposed to make you feel better and want to forgive? Big. Fat. No.
If they are having causal sex with people and it really doesn’t mean anything that in and of itself is a problem even bigger than if they had had an emotional affair.
If they are having sex with someone they don’t care about for the sake of having sex then they need some therapy because there is something missing within their soul and there is nothing you can do to fix it.
Reason #3: You Think This Type of Behavior is Acceptable
Maybe your dad cheated on your mom when you were growing up and she pretended it was okay and ignored his promiscuous behavior which taught you that it’s okay for your husband to walk all over you and disrespect you.
Maybe you have low self esteem and you think you can’t do better than the man you’re with. Maybe you didn’t have a father, so you have no idea what a healthy relationship should be like or you crave male attention to the point that you let what he does be okay even though deep down inside you know it isn’t.
Maybe you make excuses for him because you think its your fault he does what he does because if you were a better Mother, Wife, Listener, Lover, or whatever then he wouldn’t cheat. Maybe if you didn’t nag so much or complain or need so much he wouldn’t have cheated.
Yes, you probably have some responsibility for the state of your marriage. But, he is fully responsible for his choices and his choice was not you. You don’t fix the problems within a marriage (or relationship) by going outside your marriage (or relationship).
Reason #4: You Don’t Need a Reason
He cheated. He betrayed you. He was a selfish pr***. If he wasn’t then he wouldn’t have cheated in the first place. If you are too giving of a soul, you should never be with someone selfish because they will take and take, and you will give and give until you have given too much.
My boyfriend always tells me that I’m too nice and that he must be super careful not to take advantage or take me for granted. That is the kind of man you want. Someone who recognizes your weaknesses and not only refuses to exploit them but takes precautions not to.
All my prior relationships were with super selfish guys. They weren’t bad people and they didn’t cheat, but I have learned I can’t date someone who is fundamentally selfish. I already have a hard time putting myself first. If you have a hard time taking care of yourself get rid of any guy who is a selfish pr***.
Frankly, you don’t need a reason to leave a cheater because they gave you the reason. Cheating in and of itself is a reason to leave.
I know that getting out of a relationship isn’t as simple as I’m making it sound and it involves a lot of insight, soul-searching and decision-making.
It isn’t easy starting over. It isn’t easy breaking-up a family and having to find your way in the world again. I can’t tell you what’s right for you. I can only tell you that you deserve someone who would never cheat no matter what.
For me, cheating has been and always will be a deal breaker. Only you can decide if it will be for you.